Works by Emilie Hitch
Click here for the Cambodia Thesis Paper
Untitled (as read at the last open mic)
In the last five years, many things have changed. I have changed. How in the last year and a half did I figure everything out? I didn’t. I spent a whole year spinning my wheels making copies and delivering memos in a generic office position trying to regain focus… trying to decide who I wanted to be. And then I traveled around the world. And I realized that I don’t have to worry about who I want to be, I needed only to concern myself with being. In the past seven months, I have lived a lot, been a lot, thought a lot, felt a lot, and given a lot. But, who am I? Some of the things that I have learned— some of the things that have changed me— have always been there. The difference is that now I know how to dig deep inside and find all of those things; I know how to live them. What are these things? They are what I know.
I know that I am not what I have but who I am, and how I love. I know that it doesn’t matter whether everything happens for a reason or if we find a reason for everything that happens. I know that I can feel a calm connection to a greater world while watching a sunset—envisioning the evening rays eeking through the clouds like golden pathways, or in waking up just early enough to catch the sunrise clutching at crimson hues, as it waits precious moments for me to arrive before it melts into tones of gold and shimmer. I know that it is hard, sometimes, to let go. And that it hurts sometimes. I know that I am learning to let go of the terror that my life could become so routine that I accept privilege with nothing but a feeling that I am so lucky to live the way I do. I know that I shouldn’t let fear rule my choices, but that it’s okay to listen to her a little. I know that it is always possible to start over.
I know that most Americans don’t and will never know how free they really are. I know that zebras are sneaky— from far away they look grayish and blend into the brush, and from up close— stripes! I know that people can be like zebras. I know that what you dream not only can be, but already is, just because you dreamt it. In my dreams, I change the world; I make it better with musicI know it is hard to feel human in a place where all you are is a color. I know that in one day I can feel rich, poor, peaceful, guilty, hated, judged, understood, normal, empowered, lucky, and terrified… and that every day could be like that if I opened my eyes and ears. I know that opening them doesn’t scare me anymore.
I know that the key is not positive experience or negative experience— but experience. I know that what people perceive to be the definition of something does not always define it—and I know how frustrating it is to always have to define oneself with these terms when who you are and the decisions that you make don’t always fit into a neat, definitive category. I know you can’t define yourself with mere language when yourself changes with every decision that you make. I know that I don’t want to define myself anymore—I want to make decisions as I make them, not as I think I have to because of how I had once conveniently defined myself. I feel relieved and released of some strange burden by casting aside these convenient definitions. I know that I am more at Peace now because I am not fighting with them.
I know I’ve felt guilty for too many things: for going to class, for not going to class, for buying something expensive, for not buying something expensive, for buying something cheap, for not buying something cheap, for saying something, for not saying something, for crying, for not crying, for laughing, for having the privilege to laugh, to cry, to speak, to spend, to see, to hear, to smell, to choose… I know I’ve done things that make me feel guilty, I’ve been people who make me feel guilty, I’ve said things that make me feel guilty, and I’ve said things, been things and done things to make myself stop feeling guilty. I know I’m not going to do it anymore. I know there are so many better, more positive things that I could feel and that I could learn how to feel more. I know I would rather feel motivated, generous, blessed, empowered, challenged, strong, and compassionate than guilty. I know I would rather change the way I see things, the way I do things and the way I think things and feel good about those decisions, than feel guilty for having had the privilege to make them.
I know I can be anyone else’s definition of good, but what really matters is my own— even if it changes. I know that if I make decisions because of how I want to be perceived, then they are not my decisions. I know that if I make decisions because of what someone else wants, then they are not my decisions. I know that if I make decisions because they make me feel right— then I am being true to myself. I know that is one thing that I have always been good at being. I know I will continue on trusting myself and my decisions. I know that no one can ask more of me than that, and more importantly, I know I can’t ask more of myself. I know I feel good about what I am thinking, doing and being right now. I know that I am awake… may I never sleep again.
