BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented
for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic
benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark
loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when
their person want them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered
couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food
and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as
close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put
out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must
stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
bread.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command
"sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening
out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar,
enabling you to lead your person where you want
him/her to go.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given
freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your
love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you
in return.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the
other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several
times, or until your person makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After
eating it is polite to run up and down the front of
the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming
to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during
thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of
the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes
wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get
bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all
over the house until your person comes home.
