Late to it Lesbians.

A fellow goes to the cop shop to report that he  has been burgled,

he says to the desk sargeant  that they were gay burglars. How do

you know that  the desk sergeant asks. He replies that they  did'nt

steal anything, they just re-arranged the  furniture.

What does a lesbian bring on a second date?     A moving van

 what does a guy bring on a second date?     What second date?

 What's the difference between a man and a  shopping trolley?

 The shopping trolley has a mind of it's own

Why don't women wear skis?

Because there's no snow between the bedroom and
the kitchen

What is the difference between a man and a piece  of cheese?

...The cheese matures

What is the difference betwwen a man and a  cucumba?

...A cucumba stays hard for a week

Why does a man's IQ raise when he's having sex?
Because he's plugged into a genius...

1. Q: WHY ARE ALL DUMB BLOND JOKES ONE LINERS?
   A: SO MEN CAN UNDERSTAND THEM.

2. Q: WHAT'S A MAN'S IDEA OF HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK?
   A: LIFTING HIS LEGS SO YOU CAN VACUUM.

3. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND ET?
   A: ET PHONED HOME.

4. Q: WHY IS PSYCHOANALYSIS A L0T QUICKER FOR MEN THAN FOR WOMEN?
   A: WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO BACK TO HIS CHILDHOOD, HE'S ALREADY THERE.

5. Q: HOW DO MEN DIFINE A "50-50" RELATIONSHIP?
   A: WE COOK/THEY EAT; WE CLEAN/THEY DIRTY; WE IRON/THEY WRINKLE.

6. Q: WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO FORCE A MAN TO DO SIT-UPS?
   A: PUT THE REMOTE CONTROL BETWEEN HIS TOES.

7. Q: WHAT DOES A MAN CONSIDER TO BE A SEVEN CORSE MEAL?
   A: A HOT DOG AND A SIX PACK.

8. Q: WHY IS IT GOOD THAT THERE ARE FEMALE ASTRONAUTS?
   A: WHEN THE CREW GETS LOST IN SPACE, AT LEAST A WOMAN WILL ASK DIRECTIPONS

9. Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A MAN FROM DROWNING?
   A: TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF HIS HEAD.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden

feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What

is wrong with you?' Adams saidhe didn't have

anyone to talk to. God said he was going to

give him a companion and it would be a woman,

He said, "This person will cook for you and wash

your clothes, she will always agree with every

decision you make. She will bear your children

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the

night to take care of them. She will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was

wrong when you've had a disagreement. She

will never have a headache, and will freely

give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this

cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg" Adam said,

" What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history....

THE RULES

 1.  THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.

 2.  The rules are subject to change at any time

 without prior notification.

 3.  No male can possibly know all the rules.

Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.

 4.  If the female suspects the male knows the

rules she may immediately change some or all

the rules.

  5.  THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.

  6.  If the female is wrong, it is because of a

 misunderstanding, which is the direct result

of a male having said or done something wrong.

 7.  If rule #6 applies, the male must immediately

apologize for the misunderstanding.

 8.  THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY

GIVEN POINT IN TIME.

  9.  The male can never change his mind without

the written consent of the female.

 10. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY

 OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.

11. The male must remain calm at all times,

 unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

 12. The female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES

 let the male know whether or not she wants him to

be angry or upset.

 13. Any attempt to change the rules could result

 in severe bodily harm.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll??

We don't know its never been done!!!

Subject: Signs You Are Living in 2001

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
SMS' you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but

you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see
if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see
if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom
of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and you turn
around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as
if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 3:00 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail
on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :> :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to send it on to someone else.

ALCOHOL WARNINGS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a t**t

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/ or species you can't remember)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

There were two golfers on the golf course.
One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for alight.
His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?"
"Oh, my genie got it for me."
"Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He is in my golf bag."
The friend says, "can I see him?"
His friend says " yes, sure!"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie;

"I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks.
The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks.
He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
His friend says to him, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

How many Gay men does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to actually change it, and another to say, "OOooh, that looks lovelly!"

What do you call an Irish lesbian?

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality
from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother
in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table,
let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you:
I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was
about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned
away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're
gay-doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His
mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled
around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

(another doctor joke!)

the 92yr old man sees his doctor at a party and brings this lucious,22yr old woman he's been dating over to meet the doctor. when she excuses herself, the old man

said'see,doc i took your advice ! you said 'get a hot mama . be cheerful'

the doctor replied' i said you got a heart murmur. be careful.'

Heather invited her mother...
over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommatewas. She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye. Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:
"Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love, Mom

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with her index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a bloody vibrator."

Female comedian is being harrassed on stage by a man in the audience.
He yells, "What are you, a dyke?"
She responds with, "What are you, my alternative?"

Why do men name their penises?
They don't want to feel that a stranger is doing all their thinking.

A woman goes to the gynecologist,
and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?" The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thin you slice them.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,  spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.    As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.  After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked  him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have  spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,  mending fences. I guess I am."    After a short while, he asked her what she was.  She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about  women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I  eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of  women."    A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.  A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"  To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out  that I'm a lesbian."

Wierd quotey thingys.

I started out with nothing....i still have most of it.

He/She who laughs last, probably doesn't understand the joke.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

On the other hand....u have different fingers.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence....with a big hammer!

Reality is a nice place to visit....though i wouldn't want to live there.

My opinions may have changed but not the fact i'm right.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?

Where-ever you go, there you are.

If you choke a smurf what colour does it go?

Home is where the house is.

A bird in the hand, makes blowing your nose difficult.

If all is not lost, where is it?

Sign in a Swiss Hotel: Because of the impropiety of entertaning guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom it is suggested

that the lobby be used for this purpose.

A sign in a Paris hotel: Please leave your values at the front desk.

From a short story: He stopped and re-lit his ciggarette with a great light in his eyes.

* i want a lighter like that...lol*

From an Indian newspaper: Humidity is perhaps the distinctly christian virtue.

From a Surrey newspaper:In Elmfield avenue, Teddington, last saturday ciggarette ash falling into the cat's box caused a small fire. Little damage was done and the blaze was put out by the occupier.

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds, "but it won't do you any good."

After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again, she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"

YOU HAVE BEEN ONLINE....

1.) You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
2.) You have been online for 92 minutes. Do you still want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
3.) You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.
4.) You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
5.) Ok, this is getting ridiculous. You have been online for 240 minutes. Frankly, you are starting to piss us off. If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, ok?
6.) You have now been online for 360 minutes. We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
7.) You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names?
8.) You have been online for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?
9.) You have been online for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming over personally to kick your ass.
10.) You have been online 852 minutes. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY HOURS THAT IS?
11.) You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? This is because of YOU, you loser! Now log off and go to bed!!
12.) You have been online for 1000 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you would take it literally, Now hang up before we go broke........!!!!

1.) What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?!

A lickolotopus (lick a lot o puss!)

2.) What do you call 4 lesbians in a closet?!

A liquor cabinet (a lick her cabinet!)

What does the smart bloke do in an M & M factory?

How do you keep aboke happy?

Why blokes like e mail...

(clue it's like a penis)

--In the not-too-distant past, it was just a way to transmit information considered vital for the survival of the species. Now it's just used for fun.

--Once they have started playing with it they find it hard to stop.

--It can be up or down. It's more fun when it is up but it makes it hard to get any work done.

--It provides a way to interact with people.

--Those who have it would be devesated if it where cut off.

--It has no conscience and no memory. Left to it's own devices, it'll do the same dumb things it did before.

--If they are not careful what they do with it, it can land them in big trouble.

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur? licklalotopuss!

how do u get 4 gay men on a bar stool? turn it upside down!

what do u call an lesbian pakISTANI? minjeeta (minge eater)

how many men does it take screw in a light bulb? 1 men will screw anything!

what do u call a man that has lost 95% of his inteligence? divorced!

God is resting after creating the Garden of Eden and Eve. 'Erm, God' says Eve, 'Sorry to bother you, good job on the Garden, all the animals andall that, but I was wondering if you could answer me a couple of things?'

'Yes, of course Eve, go ahead'.

'Well, I was wondering about this third breast. It's very pretty, but it doesn't half get in the way and it hurts when I run.'

'Good point' says God, reaching down and pulls off the third boob and throws it away.

'Thanks' says Eve' that's a lot better.Now, the other thing is, I'm a bit lonely,being the only human here. I noticed that all the female animals have a male partner.Any chance of one of those for me?'

'Sure, Eve' says God.'Now, where did I put that useless tit?'.

How man women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh for God's sake, you never appreciate ANYTHING I do around here, change the bloody thing yourself!!

Why does a penis have a hole?

To get air to the brain.

this ones kinda nasty but..

woman goes into doctors office for her check up...

Doctor:ok lets just have a look..

Woman: gets on table

Doctor: comes back up and says im sorry but it looks like crabs..

Woman: oh no it cant be! im a virgin..

Doctor: ok let me just have another look..

Doctor: comes back up again, ok your right its not crabs..your cherries rotten

you got fruit flies.

> > > A couple was invited to a shitty family masked Halloween party.
> > > She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
> > > party alone.
> > > He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
> > > she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no
> > > need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his
> > > costume
> > > and away he went.
> > > The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
> > > pain;
> > > and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
> > > In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
> > > thought she
> > > would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
> > > acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted
> > > her
> > > husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
> > > chick
> > > he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His
> > > wife
> > > went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
> > > partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had
> > > just arrived.
> > > She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
> > > husband.
> > > Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
> > > agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
> > > Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
> > > put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
> > > explanation
> > > he
> > > would make for his behaviour.
> > > She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of
> > > a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
> > > a good time when you're not there."
> > > Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
> > > He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
> > > there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
> > > the den and played poker all evening.
> > > But I'll tell you.... your dad was glad he borrowed my costume, he
> > > seemed to have had a whale of a time!
> > >

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

What do you call a lesbian octopus?

A Lickalotapus

(told to me by my 13yr son)

What did the one tampon say to the other?

Nothing...they were both stuck up bitches!

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can grip to the broomstick better!

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some
support soon,
people will think we're nuts."

DIFFERENT IDEAS
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world!"
The woman says, dryly, "I'll miss you."

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and every time that Mary walked

the boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt

it was split right up the front

but she didnt where that one very often

..... thort i was gonna rhyme it wiv front didnt you??? lol!

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honour her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.

Two blondes entered the forest on a very dark night. Pretty soon they started to make love to one another. In about 10 mins one blonde stands up and says "Damn I wish I has a flashlight."

the other blonde replies " Damn I wish you did too, you've been eating grass for the last 10 mins."...................................................

oh no its ok not today!!!

(meaning i dont want to buy the big issue...) told that today...

hope it makes some kind of sense..

p.s didnt even know this joke thing was here!!

> The Australian Way
> ******************
>
> An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
> into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters,
> and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
> other.
>
> At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
> place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
> He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
> because she is short of funds she agrees.
>
> The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing
> her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep
> with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too
> happy to agree.
>
> This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
> Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some
> attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again,
> so she goes over and sits next to him.
>
> She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
>
> "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
>
> "Glen Iris" he replies
>
> "That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
>
> "Cameo Street" he replies
>
> "This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"
>
> He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
>
> "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents
> still live there!"
>
> "I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
>
> HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

what do you call an indian lesbian.

It"s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher"s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

S&B
"The older we get, the less concerned we are about appearance.."

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

Nooooooo, this is not a true story about ME!!! lmao.

Love Sapph

Check yourself.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

women'spoint of view.

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I
decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with
him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with
everyone he met.
He made me miserable as
often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted

firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he
divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.

The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from the shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically
came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and Stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. how long will this take?", I
asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again.
Stupid, stupid man.