HOW TO PREPARE FOR A NEW DANE
- pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark
- wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blander
- immediately upon waking ,stand outside in the rain and dark saying "be a good dog, go potty now-hurry up,come on, let's go !"
- cover all your best suits w/ dog hair. dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
- play "catch" w/ a wet tennis ball.
- run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
- tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
- leave your underwear on the living room floor, cause that's where the dane will drag it anyway (especially when u have company )
- jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite tv program and run to the door shouting , " no,no! do that outside!" miss the end of the program.
- put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning and don't try to clean it up untill you return from work that evening.
- gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times w/ screwdriver-it's going to get chewed on anyway.
- take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. this is the feeling u will get when your great dnae falls asleep on your lap.
NEED TO PLACE ASAP
please help! we're in the process of moving. we must immedietely get rid of our two children NOW, cause there won't be any room in our new place. since we're leaving on monday, we MUST place the children in homes be this weekend!! they are descibed as follows:
" one male,white,blonde hair,blue eyes,10yr-old.excellent disposition. he doesn't bite.name is john. temperment tested .current on all shots.tensils removed already &in very healthy condition!john eats everything, is very clean, house trained & gets along well w/ other children. does not run w/ scissors &7 w/ a lttle time & training , he will do well in a new home."
"one female female, white, blonde , curly hair , green eyes, 11 yrold. can be surly at times. non-biter, tv watcher, her name is mary. tempermant tested but need a little attitude adjusting occionally. current on all shots and is very heathly & happy(mostly) gets along well w/ boys but does not like to sgare toys. she's house trained and would do best in a one-child household."
we really LOVE our children &want to do what best for them. ours is UNIQUE situation & we have a real emergency here! they MUST be place by sunday night at the latest.
sound familiar?
Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect
Newspapers:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in
the front yard, always use the newspaper that's
placed in the driveway every morning for that
purpose.
Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs.
Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap
playfully on this person. If the human falls down
on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.
Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark.
So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy
to hear you protecting their house. Especially late
at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human
than to keep waking up in the middle of the night
and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...
Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish
immediately before licking your human. Humans
prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your
human a towel.
Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the
yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller
holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you
arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each
hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are
never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do
your part to help correct this problem.
Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always
reserved for the family dog to sleep.
The Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any
food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time
to practice your sniffing.
Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so
break as much of the house as possible.
Going for Walks:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
human, never go to the bathroom on your own
lawn.
Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch
after all your humans have gone to bed.
Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or
stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so
you don't injure yourself.
Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --
- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a
shoe
