You Know You Are a Dog Person When...

 

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places
around the house, but no babies.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the
kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

Your dog sleeps with you.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your
significant other.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there
are nose-prints all over the inside.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but
she understands.

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not
immediately afterward, of course).

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your
dog.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be
comfortable.

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than
go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of
the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your
dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for
pick-ups pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can
use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit
hip-deep in water.

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.
Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter
remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build
her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard
chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play
and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think
of your behavior is yet another story).

You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you
get.

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before
work.

You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog
needs her walk.

You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you
need to go home and see your dog.

Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a
hike (both days).

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case
your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down
on the first floor...).

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog
gets a taste, too).

You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can
reach all her favorite spots.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog
is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of
your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely
human.

Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

Your jewelry box contains no jewels... just those fasteners from vari-kennels.

Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name
is Best of Breed.

Your house isn't carpeted--the fuzzy furballs under your feet are
soft enough...

Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the
pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

Your hungry hubby once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.

You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on
your dog to give a quick run through on your own hair.

At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before
putting it on the table.

You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed
magazine you know you will find them there.

You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.

You have dog toys and treats in your briefcase.

You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your
dogs but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to
grandma.

You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if
your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make
the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog
into the shinny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

You can't get the groceries in the car because its
A) already full of dog food
B) you have that big old crate in there.

You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.

You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the
front so you have room for crates...

The passenger seat is full of dog stuff.

You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think
nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.

You have six squeaky hedgehogs... but only 1 with a squeaky that
works.

You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for movie night.

You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck
to it...

When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single
picture of a two-legged person in it...

People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes; they
realize it is a hopeless case.

Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ... Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. The Art of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun. Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe

You know you've waited too long to find a mate when: --you think stripping is something you do to a terrier --you meet a guy named Bob and instantly visualize purple and gold rosettes --you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant --the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has --your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog --you have ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on the breed of dog he owns --you dismiss all the guys your mother introduces you to as "not breeding quality" --you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to get through that TDX track --your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbells, or rosettes --you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but last watched a dirty movie in junior high school --when you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did at last weekend's obedience trial --your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience school --you start using operant conditioning techniques to get what you want from your boyfriend, and you won't let him read your copy of "Don't Shoot The Dog" --you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and th occasional well-timed ear pinch --you "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of the conformational faults each bypasser has to contribute to the gene pool --you think if you ever did marry and have children that you wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they'r enclosed on all sides --you give all of your married friends child-rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training --your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar --your mother's second worst fear is you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party --you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wed- ding party --when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you --all of your friends always include your dog in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left....the others have stopped inviting you places because you insist on bringing the dog! --when you read the personal ads you skip past the vital statistics and rule out any that don't say "animal lover" --you know your dog's cholesterol but not your own --when you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections, they don't know you're talking about your dog's ears --you last had a professional portrait done for your high school graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog's purchase price having his done by the best canine photographer in the country --you and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush, and you never can keep straight whose is whose --you spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before, and 1.25 minutes ponytailing your hair the morning of --you think that people with bad bites shouldn't be allowed to breed --your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the hair coloring, after hounding you for three year to try highlighting.... only to be disappointed when she finds you are looking for peroxide to "touch up" your Clumbers drool marks --when someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps --when you go "clubbing", you have your choice of the all-breed club, the specialty club, the obedience club, or the tracking club --you once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your friends wanted a pair --your non-doggy friends can't understand why you're so excited about your new TD This joke contributed by: LINDA SMITH

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    My killer poodle is 15 years old, but she's still a great watch dog -- as long as I remember to turn up her hearing aid.

     I told the vet my pit bull was sick. He said feed him two cats and call him in the morning.

     We don't have a dog -- but we have a child that bites.

     New research shows almost 20% of Americans share a bed with a pet. Another 20% sleep on the floor in a basket while the pets have the bed to themselves.

THE ESSENTIAL
ROTTIE OWNER'S CONTRACT

I do hereby swear that I/we will abide by all the terms & conditions specified below.

Upon signing this contract I fully understand that all my Rottweilers dreams will be realized for ever more and they shall assume their rightful position as the center of the universe, leaving me as a mere human slave.

GENERAL CONDITIONS

• My Rottweilers desires are always paramount. My Rottweilers wish is my command.
• GIVE, SHUT UP and LEAVE IT are useless requests, so I will stop using them.
• I will not yell at my Rottweiler for slobbering everywhere after drinking, then chase him around the house with a "drool towel."
• I will not abandon my Rottweiler for trivial reasons like "going to work".
• I will not yell at my Rottweiler for creating "chew toys" from objects they find laying around.
• I will try much harder to understand my Rottweilers language.
• I will never go socializing with other canines without my Rottweiler.
• I will set up the "kiddie wading pool" every day it is hot.
• I will not laugh at my Rottweiler for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice he buried earlier in the day.

EXERCISE REQUIREMENTS AND DOGGY SOCIALIZATION

• I will not chase my Rottweiler around yelling COME! when he is busy socializing.
• I will not complain my arm is tired after only throwing the ball 50 times.
• I will not confuse my Rottweiler by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
• I will not ask my Rottweiler to play fetch with a boomerang.
• I will not drag my Rottweiler from interesting sniffing spots during our walkies.
• I will not hide or place my Rottweiler's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go and get it.
• I will drop whatever I am doing and take my Rottweiler out as soon as he asks me to.
• A little rain and a cool breeze is no excuse for not walking my Rottie.

NUTRITION AND GROOMING

• I will not run out of treats.
• I will always carry around cookies & treats and will instruct all my friends to do likewise.
• I will never eat anything until my Rottweiler has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
• I will share everything I eat with my Rottweiler.
• I will not cut my Rottweilers toenails ever, ever again.
• I will stop referring to my Rottweiler's necklace as his "choke chain".
• I will not bathe my Rottie after he has just bathed himself in mud puddles, cow pats or dead animal remains.

AROUND THE HOUSE

• I will not sneak around the backyard, wearing funny clothes and a face mask, to test whether my Rottweiler is a good watchdog.
• I will not yell at my Rottweiler to "HURRY UP ALREADY" when he's just looking for the right spot to take care of business.
• Once he has found an acceptable spot, I will not stare while my Rottweiler is doing his business.
• I will not ask my Rottweiler to retire to his crate anymore.
• I will open the back door as soon as my Rottweiler sits by it.
• I will never again leave my Rottweiler at home if I intend to go driving in the car.

CATS AND KIDS

• I will not bring home anymore cats.
• I will get rid of all those cats we currently own.
• I will not feed the cat before I feed my Rottweiler.
• I will protect my Rottweiler from all obnoxious little human things at all times.
• I will not have another one of those obnoxious little human things.

THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

• I will not make my Rottie wear silly looking antlers or red Santa hats.
• I will not make my Rottweiler pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
• I will not tie leftover ribbons, tinsel and bows all over my Rottweiler and call it "Christmas Spirit".
• I will accept that my Rottweiler shall play with the green tree covered in shiny ball-like ornaments.
• I will remember to stuff a stocking and buy several presents for my Rottie.

~ LINDA SMITH ~

RULES FOR DOGS THAT RUN THE HOUSE FOR THEIR PRIMARY JOB

FURNITURE:

See also CHEWING.

If you have to throw up, quickly get on a chair or couch.  If you cannot manage that, use one of the humans shoes, preferably their best dress shoes.

When ready for a nap chose the piece of furniture that is all white it is preferable to do this with muddy feet.

Remember that every house looks better with all the pillows taken from the furniture and strewn around the floor.  If you have down pillows they look best with all the stuffing removed.

RUGS AND CARPET:

See also DOORS.

Digging up the carpet in front of closed doors is mandatory to let your humans know that you will not be excluded from any part of YOUR home.

If you are going to relieve yourself, do it in a spot that is in the middle of a busy pathway.  It is also good to leave a deposit in an out the way spot such as behind a chair or in a little used room such as the guest room.

An important point to remember is that oriental rugs are excellent items to chew on.  Start by removing the fringe then chew a hole just off of center as these are the best parts.  If you have a selection, chose the most expensive one.

Small throw rugs are best taken through the doggie door and left out in the weather.

DOORS:

See also CARPET and CHEWING.

Never allow any door to remain closed.  If the humans are home you can get them opened by barking continuously with an occasional howl.  If it is an outside door jumping against it frantically will get it opened.  Now stand in the middle of it and think of all the wonderful things
you have accomplished, remember it is not necessary to go through it, only that it be open.

Outside doors are best left open during storms, when it is very hot or cold, and especially during mosquito season.

The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

When no one is home closed doors should be scratched at frantically to try to get through.  If that does not work try chewing at the molding around the door.

Whenever the front door is open, charge past everyone and run around the neighborhood, this gives the humans much needed exercise chasing you.

CHEWING:

See also DOORS, RUGS and FURNITURE

Your humans will give you lots of toys and it is important to chew on them when the human gets them out and wants to play with you, this gives the human exercise.

Books and magazines are great items to chew on as they make great nesting material.  Books that are currently being read by your humans are exceptionally tasty, but be sure to start from the back of the book and ensure that you remove at least the last 4 or 5 pages.

Tissue and toilet paper have a very pleasant feel and looks great scattered around the house.

For serious frustration or stress it is best to select a piece of furniture as this will give you hours of relief.  The best type of furniture is obviously leather.

For general play things check the clothes hamper for underwear and socks.  Once in a while your human will give you a sock knots in it, but it is not as flavorful as dirty socks.  Also check the closets for shoes, the best are the ones with tassels or high heels.

YARD:

Proper landscaping is important to humans as you will see them working in the garden and yard all the time.  If left alone in the yard you should try to make the humans happy by pulling out excess plants.  This is a job that humans hate to do, you will see them out their sometimes with
hoes digging them out or with a spray trying to kill them and they are always cussing them with things like “Damn Weeds”.  

You should place holes in various places in the yard for future cooling spots and hiding places for food in the case of shortages.

FOOD:

When eating your food be sure to take each mouthful to a carpeted area and eat it.

Be sure to act depressed when they put down your food, even though it is very good you want to shame the humans into putting scrapes and gravy on your food.

Begging is best accomplished by continuously standing in the way in the kitchen and looking up expectantly.  At the table doing little tricks works well, if that does not work lay flat on the floor with your eyes turned up accompanied by small pitiful whines.

Meat will occasionally be left out on the counter for you to eat, though frozen it is still very good.

Kids are great sources of food.

GUESTS:

When guests arrive run frantically around the house taking a circular route over couches, chairs and coffee tables.

Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor.  It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Be sure to jump on the guests as they enter the door.  It is best to chose the one that is best dressed.

Quickly determine which guest dislikes dogs and climb in their lap.

If someone is wearing a dark suit or dress be sure to rub against them and leave as much hair as possible.

When you tire of playing, chose a spot that is highly visible, preferably one that is close to older women, and lie quietly licking yourself.

Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark.  So bark a lot.  Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.  Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.  There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.

Be sure to start training your humans early.  The sooner you have them trained the sooner you will have a smooth running household.  Humans can be taught if you start early and are consistent in your training.

how to tell if your dog has a problem: (ask yourself the following questions) 1. does your dog know the spelling, Latin root,   and French translation of the word "walk",   yet is unable to grasp the meaning of "come"? 2. does your dog immediately leap on a cat,   bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words   "Don't worry he LOVES cats (bunny rabbits, children)"? 3. is your dog shameless? graceless? without dignity?   way too in touch with his inner puppy? 4. does he wake you up in the middle of the night to   warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep   through the theft of all your valuable possessions? 5. does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at   the sound of "it's time to go home," yet possess   bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener? if you answered "yes" to most of these questions . . .

relax, your dog is normal