The Life After...

John Jacobus

There hasn’t been a moment during my life that I haven’t thought about my birth parents in some way. For example, it was always hard for me to hear people tell my friends how much they look like their parents. It could be as simple as saying that they had the same facial expressions, same color hair, similar personalities, and so on. In my case I didn’t have that luxury. "Whose nose did I have, did I get my compassion from my birth mom or dad, and whose facial expressions do I have?" All of these questions have crossed my mind more then once. People who aren’t adopted don’t truly understand how hearing and knowing simple things like which parent you look like means. Even if you don’t look like one of your biological parents, at least you have the benefit of knowing for sure.

It was Lindsay Weinberg who helped me realize how deep my drive was to find my birth parents, especially my birth mom. She and I sat in a packed bar in Italy and as if a higher power were intervening she revealed to me that she was adopted. I asked her if she ever wanted to find her birth parents and then she explained to me that she already had. We talked for hours about her reunion and the different emotions she experienced throughout the process. I felt deep down inside that my conversation with Lindsay was not by chance but rather fate taking its course. At the end of the night lying in bed I prayed to the lord and vowed to do anything and everything to find my birth parents upon returning home.

Once I returned home I registered in the adoption agencies’ database and was notified within a week that there was a match. A match meant that my birth mom had registered 21 years ago before giving me up giving permission for me to find her when I became of legal age. There were a couple of steps that took place before all identifying information could be released to both of us. Four weeks after I registered and fulfilled all of the legal obligations associated with the process, I received a phone call. The person on the other end was my birth mom. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment but we hit it off immediately. We talked for hours before getting off the phone. For the next couple of weeks we would call one another and talk about life and each other, soaking up every word the other person said. "Good-byes" on the phone had never been so difficult. Then we decided that the time was right to meet and the date was set for the first weekend March. My mom and I would drive to Texas and stay the weekend at a hotel and that was the only thing we planned. Whatever happened after that was 21 years in the making.

When I first got down to Texas, my adopted mom and I checked into a hotel and then I called Kathy, my birth mom. She met me in the lobby about an hour later and she had a friend with her waiting to take pictures. As I walked into the lobby I wasn't nervous but more afraid that maybe she wouldn't approve of me in some way. When I saw her she began crying and then we embraced and I just hugged her as if nothing in the world could separate us. We had 21 years of catching up to do but at that moment, a mother and son were united and the hug was more powerful than any words we could have spoken.

We left the lobby and went to a park to talk. She asked me every question you could imagine – from what are my weaknesses to what type of girls I like. She also answered all of the questions that have built up inside me over the years about why she gave me up. It basically boiled down to the fact that 20 years ago, a single woman having a baby – especially a Persian baby – was not acceptable. After answering that question she looked in my eyes and said that I was very attractive and that I had grown into a compassionate man. This drew tears from my eyes and then I said to her what had been welling inside my heart and soul for so long – that "I had grown up very happy with a wonderful loving family and had always been given anything that I had ever wanted and that I wanted to thank her for putting my life ahead of hers 21 years ago and for being unselfish." To me she represented ultimate sacrifice and I had nothing but heartfelt thanks for her and what she gave me – "A WONDERFUL LIFE!"

Leaving the park, I went back to her house and met her three daughters and we had a great conversation. They had a big cake with a "Welcome Home JOHN" in the middle. I enjoyed speaking with the three girls, and Kathy just sat back and watched. I left that night and went back to the hotel to go to sleep and talked to my mom about how the day had gone.

The next day, Kathy (birth mom) and her three daughters – Crystal, Jennifer, and Heather – met us in the hotel lobby and my mom and Kathy met for the first time. My mom and Kathy hugged and then my mom pulled out a surprise that she had been working on – pictures from my entire childhood from the day they picked me up from the adoption center all the way to my second family on Semester at Sea. For three hours my mom and Kathy and my new sisters looked and listened with an attentiveness that can't be described and then it happened: my mom looked Kathy in the eyes and said, "I just want to thank you for giving me the greatest gift I have ever had in my life--------JOHN!" I broke down. It was one of those rare moments in a person's life that is indescribable and will stick with me forever. Afterwards, we had brunch and then we all stood around taking pictures to document this great occasion. And then my mom gave Kathy a box filled with all the extra prints she had from the albums and said to Kathy, "This is yours."

Kathy thanked her and they hugged and then Kathy and I hugged one last time and it was as strong a hug as the first one I gave her. She had tears in her eyes and I could see the worried feeling in her eyes about whether or not I would want to stay in touch with her but I whispered to her, "Don't worry about never seeing me again because now that I have found you I look forward to getting to know you better."

My mom and I waved goodbye and headed home. Since that weekend I have exchanged many wonderful e-mails with the girls and Kathy. Life is just great for me right now.

Oh yeah, I saw my birth dad's picture for the first time – I definitely got his eyes and eyebrows. His name was – get ready for this – Ghalam Abbas Shahbazi. His birthplace is Masijid Solaiman, Iran. This is what he wrote to me on the back of a picture of him that he gave Kathy 21 years ago. "My beloved son, I was ready to sell my blood to keep you because you were my heart; you were my back; you were my legs; you were my eyes. But your mother decided to give you up for adoption. I will never forget you. I think of you every day. I pray to God every day that I can be near you. You mean more to me than my own life I am searching for you and I will continue to search for you until I find you or until I die. The day I see you, my eyes will see again; my legs will run again; my mouth will smile again; my heart will be full. My son, dry your father's endless tears and seek me as I have been seeking you. Please write to me and send me your picture, Your loving father." As you can see this is very deep, but bear in mind that he wanted Kathy to have an abortion and didn't want anything to do with her until he found out that I was a boy, so I take this message with a grain of salt!

I hope that there are many wonderful things going on with you as well, and if you want to ask me any questions about the reunion, don't be afraid to ask.

John Jacobus
June 23, 2000

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